Girl meets 👦 

Hahaha, I know the story I’m about to tell you is going to be 🔥 🔥. But heeeey :)), I’ve been quiet for so long but well you know life happens then bla…bla…..bla…..bla…..

Today let’s talk fuccboizzzz….. whenever I hear that name I cringe or I get that tingly sensation, do you know it?? 😒 😒 

For those who don’t know the meaning of a fuckboy, I’ll let the urban dictionary do this for me because if I do I will add insults that are very unnecessary 😂 😂. 

(back to the story)…
My campus days, my prime time, I saw a guy and I thought he was cute, dressed well and very eloquent when he spoke, I was very impressed (in my head), ‘what a man!’ ( Jeff Koinang’e voice). I had that urge to talk to him but I didn’t because I am that old school girl that will not go talking to the guy, I mean its Boy meets Girl and not vice versa . You know life it can very twisting at times so my friend Ashley introduced me to this guy that I had seen earlier in the week. 

In my head I had already called him ‘papi’  that Mexican accent, walked down the aisle, had his kids and grown old and even imagined we had already built our house in a posh estate where we just watch our grandkids play and say ‘we made those bomb ass kids’ 😂 😂 😂. 

My imagination is just A A A++++

We get acquitted and from there we met afew times through Ashley before we exchanged numbers. After we had exchanged numbers we started meeting casually, going on dates, rugby play offs and events. Since we were hanging out most of the time we decided to make it official by being a couple. 

At first the dates were very common, birthday dates were remembered but as time went by the dates decreased, Ohh my birthday was forgotten (this is ‘holy ground’for a breakup) but I am there telling myself nigga will change. Girls better listen to this once a FUCKBOY always a FUCKBOY!!! He will never change for you. On his birthday its a f****** reminder on my phone, since I’m this great baker (just saying), I decided to show him my baking skills by making blackforrest just how he likes it but mine Ohh Lord!  It just passed and when I asked him he was like ‘ohh babe nlisahau but hbd tungojee ya next year ‘. This is when you leave food for ancestors to remove the curse on your love life 😔 😔. 

Like a strong lady that I am (this thing called girl  power can lie to you sometimes, don’t you agree??), telling myself mama never raised a quitter,  I wanted to see where this would lead but it reaches a time in your life you say enough is enough!

 The day I called it quits was when we were seated just chilling and I thought it would be him and me time. As usual, fuckboys are really unpredictable sometimes! This ex boyfriend of mine is there chatting on whatsapp with others while I’m there trying to talk. This went on for awhile and I ask him, ‘so should I text you that we could be able to talk or spend time with each other??’

He replies, ‘ Love you know I’m the admin to many groups on whatsapp so I’m trying to manage the groups.’ Cheeei! Mother of my mother, brother to the cousins of my cousins in the next life what kind of sorcery am I being told???

I was very shocked 😲, after hearing that the quotes you see on Facebook being shared about My mama didn’t raise a lady to be mistreated by a man ran through my mind. 

These are the worst, fuckboys of Nairobi!

I rose from the seat and went home, no nigga shall do me like this again (singing in my head).  That’s how I stopped relating to fuckboys till to date. Till now I still think of the answer I was given about whatsapp and I laugh to myself, what thing was I ‘dating’???

I think now I understand when he said he is the admin to many groups because now I’m working in the administration office at  China Town, Kajiado 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 So I know the pressure of handling many people, I think.. 
Since these days I can read fuckboy from a mile away, after several experiences with such dimwits, I can now tell what a fuckboi is. Lets just say I have been given the talent of discerning such.

How to spot one is as follows :-

1. If he says, ‘ aki jana c we chafuad or lewad’ just know you are walking into a fuckboy zone! 

2. If he tries to speak English like Rich Homie Quan, who basically doesn’t know what he is saying just know Fuckboy ⚠ 

3. If he sags, eeeh!  If he sags Ohh, put a stop to this!  

4. If you only hook up in the evening, Girl you better watch out! 

I know some will say this is not a fuckboy, please save that comment for your ancestors. 

Beware I tell you, no need to suffer from these types of people. 

Girl be warned!  If you haven’t gotten yourself a fuccboi, be thankful to the Lord Jesus! 😂 😂 😂 

If you spot one coming your way, run like Kemboi or even better. 

Mr. Handsome?

Three years ago when I was in first year I decided to join this thing called Tinder. It was the in thing and all my friends had joined who was Sybo not to join??? 

I joined put my details and connected it to Facebook  and I began, swiping to the left for the guys I didn’t like and to the right for those I liked. Three years down the line I still have my account there, even though I don’t use it. 

Screenshot taken by me

While swiping left and right, I finally saw the face I liked and decided let me put my FBI skills to the test. I stalked looked at his hobbies and found out he loved food, this made me extremely happy.

As fate would have it, he swiped to the right making me do my little happy dance while flipping the hair 💃💃💃💃. Since I am very old school, I wait for him to initiate a conversation. A week passes by and I get a DM, I respond quickly so that this chance doesn’t pass me by….. 

We kept on inboxing each other till we exchanged numbers and continued knowing each other. Finally, we decide to meet up on a Friday,at Junction mall, along Ngong Rd. The day reached, I dressed the part but feeling anxious af!! I wait at KFC as I drink my milkshake. Ten minutes pass by, he texts and tells me to come down stairs. 

As I was walking out, concentrating on my shake someone taps me and asks, ‘ are you a modzel?’ (in Nigerian accent). I ignore and continue walking. I decide to call Mr. Handsome, as I was calling I hear someone’s phone ringing, I turn back and see the same guy who asked if I was a modzel answering it. I asked my Lord, what kind of sorcery was this 😭😭😭 not knowing that this day would be a day I would never forget!

He then approaches me, I am just shocked and asking myself why why?? We converse as we walk to his car, telling me his in USIU. We go to his place and he says he’ll cook for me, what I saw on his profile is what I’m getting (telling myself, its going to be a throwdown 😍😍😍).

 I enter his place and the shock that hits me, only God knows!  He gives me a plastic chair (the ones used in salon’s written Darling)  I sit and wait for food, smiling and obviously browsing.

He comes back with a plate only to see indomie not fully cooked with no accompaniment plus he hadn’t put the spices that come with indomie itself. Meanwhile, his plate was full of indomie, about 3 packets but mine had 1 packet only. I looked at him and just looked at the plate planning on how to start eating. He then tells me he is bringing something else to eat, I thought it was something meaty but to my surprise he brings 3 boiled eggs just for me, I looked at his plate he had fried his eggs with onions, tomatoes and spices, the fried eggs nicely folded, I just shook my head telling myself what mess is this… 

I look at my plate and start wondering is this guy serious, I put the plate away and we get to talking as I try so hard to listen to him but I couldn’t. 
I ask him if he cooks. He responds by telling me he doesn’t know anything about food that the pictures he uploaded were from his friend’s phone, I look around thinking am I acting in an oga movie and I didn’t know 😱

I find myself looking for the bathroom and I stumble upon the bedroom just to find a big mattress on the floor with posters of Lil Wayne and Plies ( do you remember him???). I just laugh to myself and said ‘kwani what we see on the telly is prolly the truth 😂😂😂.’

From then on I just took my bag and left without looking back. This is when I stopped believing in what people post on social media.

This is how Mr. Handsome is never met over the Internet. 

Meme posted on Facebook by me 😏

Moving On…….

Hello guys, I know many of you have missed me, right??  It has been two months since I posted something but don’t worry Pauline is back!! 
Yesterday, October 2nd 2016,I woke up thinking about my late friend Annetah Mwangi not knowing that it was her 3Rd year anniversary. The day she died my thoughts about death changed,not that I didn’t believe in death, it changed because Marina, my Bestie Pauline and I went to identify her body at the local mortuary, City Mortuary opposite Daystar University. 

At first it was hard for us to enter because the stench from that place just prevents you from walking but since Anne’s dad was there we couldn’t let him down so we proceeded. Reaching the entry of the room where lifeless bodies were kept my bestie and I couldn’t enter, the smell just kept us at the door we couldn’t even open our eyes but thank God for Marina she took one for the team and entered. 

She came out and told us what we didn’t want to hear but unfortunately it was her. We left in a hurry and went back to school unhappy and just silent, no one spoke a word, even say where we were from. Later in the evening, I went home and told my mom and she was like ‘that is very sad 😔 and sorry for your loss’. I am not one to show emotions so I just pushed it down and drowned myself in school work because I didn’t know what to do, I hadn’t experienced such in my life. 

Three weeks later I lost my mother, the only person who knew me better than anyone. I remember the last thing she said to my sisters and I was ‘mnajua nawapenda watoto wangu?’ (do you know I love you my kids), of course we replied in unison we know mum not knowing that, that day was the last we saw her. The next day we called to talk to our mum in hospital we thought we’d miss classes we come see her bt she said she was ok and we go to class and come later in the day. 

In the afternoon, I was in class but felt uneasy so I got out but left my phone in class sth didn’t feel right so I went to check on it and found  33 missed calls from my dad, my aunts and cousins. I left class and went to the hospital and saw my eldest sister being carried and the youngest screaming and her friends by her side, I just stood there looking and shocked. I didn’t move just saw my dad and told him sorry for your loss and gave him a hug and so I did the same to my sisters and assured them that everything was going to be ok. 

At that time my little brother had just joined secondary school and he was there crying, I went sat with him as he cried when they removed the body from the fridge just telling him you’ll be fine you have 3 elder sisters who will take care of you so worry not. He finally stopped crying and decided to go back to school to do his final year exams. 

I went to my mother’s body and touched her, I guess still in disbelief and just said why mum and left, the whole time I hadn’t shed a tear. Outside I met with my aunt and she told me don’t worry this is a blessing in disguise only God knows why, I starred at her not believing sth like that would be said to me. I kept on receiving phone calls saying the same thing sorry for your loss and be strong for your family. 

So I became what the society wanted, the strong one for the family and in my head I told myself who am I to sit at home and miss classes while my brother was in school. The next day I went to school and met  X (not her real name) and she tells me, ‘ why aren’t you at home crying or you weren’t close to your mother? ‘ This hit me so hard, I found myself in the bathroom crying for about 30 minutes, I just washed my face and went to class like nothing happened and went home, finding people in a sombre mood just made me sad so I cried not because I had accepted it but because people were crying and they were judging me because I didn’t show any emotion, I was like a robot at that time. 

End week, I met up with my dysfunctional family: Duncan, Eric, Alan, Mike and Octo obviously consoling me but when Alan told me, ‘ Sybo you’ll be fine, just look at how I turned out.’ His words got to me bc he knew how I felt, the loss of a parent so I thought his sorry was more of a sorry than the others.

I went home feeling better emotionally because for once I got someone who actually got me, a friend who can identify with my pain. Reaching home I met my neighbor and she told me cry it all out while hugging me, I didn’t have tears to cry but the pain and tears were there but I couldn’t cry so I told her I have cried enough. 

After the burial it got lonely and the lonier it got the more I pushed the pain away and pushed people out of my life in short I didn’t mourn. That constant reminder from the society telling you how to mourn and for how long or listening to other peoples stories made me push the pain deep so that I wouldn’t feel it and make me concentrate on my studies which was a total disaster whereby I ended up flunking in my exams. 

My friends would tell me Sybo you are strong, in my mind I didn’t feel strong, I felt bad bc I didn’t cry for my mother. I even went ahead to avoid the places we’d go together like using the train, till to date I have never used it. If any of my friends asked how are you, I’d say I am fine. I’d even go ahead and crack a few jokes so that they’d think Sybo is A-ok! I had perfected the art of hiding my pain my emotions but deep down I knew what was going on, I wasn’t happy I was just a girl depressed and still trying to accept what had happened. 

For three years I did this and this year January when my mother’s favorite glass broke something within me also broke and I mourned for a whole week I think. Since I didn’t mourn I never went to see my mother’s grave and since I am now learning to live with it, I finally earned the chance to go and see it since in 25 days it will officially be the 3Rd year anniversary. 

Image courtesy of http://www.pintrest.com

My word of advice going through a loss of a loved one don’t push the pain or postpone your time to mourn because the day it comes it won’t be pleasant and it is never healthy to keep all that pain. Instead just look at the person beside you who is walking with you through the pain. 

Image courtesy of http://www.dogington.com

And to all those consoling those bereaved DON’T OVER SAY SORRY OR TELL ANYONE HOW TO MOURN.  Saying that just makes someone feel more sorry for themselves just be a close friend that they need, a shoulder to cry on and try encouraging the person. 

Image courtesy of http://www.pintrest.com 

Feel free to share your stories and be a source of encouragement to others. 
                         

Walk of Shame. 

You wake up early in the morning knowing what you are going to wear. That bra you bought at Yaya Center (you know the expensive kind) just can’t wait to wear it. 

You wear it, check yourself out in the mirror and you feel sexy af!  You proceed to wear a nice tight dress that shows your geographical features. You leave the house, even the jobless corner guys tell you today ‘umeua madam’ and you are just there smiling, doing your happy dance inside (mine is a Harlem shake, you should see me do it 😁 😁). 

You reach town and everyone gives you that eye and you decide to strut that runway walk you’ve been practicing to show people that yes I got it! You reach your destination which is at a fancy restaurant, you decide to order food like you haven’t eaten for the whole week. 

You finish eating and as you leave the place you notice your stomach is protruding, you try to suck it in so that you don’t look pregnant but NOOOH you can’t breath so you just let it go. 

(A trick for the ladies, when the stomach protrudes, just place your hand on the tummy and rub it. People will think otherwise, only if the tummy is BIG 😉 😉 😉).

Upon releasing the air, one of the bra straps decided to relieve itself from its duties by ‘katikaring’ so one boob is high and the other one is behaving like iko ‘malapu lapu’ (sagging). Remember you don’t have a jacket to cover your shame. 

You put your hand under your boob so as to provide some sort of balance so that your boobs don’t look out of place. As if that wasn’t enough, your lipstick looks like some paint smeared on some piece of clothing.

The street you are on is a fancy street (Mama Ngina). This is also the street that street kids assemble. One of the street kids decides to disturb you, you tell him off because you also have your own sh*t to deal with. 

He follows you and decides to pull that one hand that is your support system. You reach your bag with the other hand and give him whatever you find. As you continue your walk of shame, the universe decides to put your crush on your path, you ask the Lord ; why me??? Why?? 

He wants to hug but you can’t. All you want to do is hide like Cookie Lyon in the picture below but you can’t. 

This is when you know Saitan is very REAL! 

Photo Credits to Empire Show on Fox.

Travelling in Style. 

Sunday morning, my best friend and I were planning to return to Nairobi from Kitale (Western Kenya). My best friend’s mother told us by 9 we should be out of the hse but we wasted time having breakfast. 

The breakfast consisted of matoke dipped in groundnut sauce with kienyeji chicken, tea obviously and cake accompanied with fruit juice. Since we all love food we decided to dig in, we ate till we cleared everything only to realize that 2 hrs had passed. 

We tried to hurry so we left, we had really dressed you’d think we were not traveling in an 11 seater shuttle. Reaching outside we found red mud and we were all in black rubber shoes and we were doing some crazy hop step and jump (in order for our shoes not to get mud).

We couldn’t continue doing that so we decided to take a boda or pik pik ( as my friend Marega would call it). We both found two bikes and boarded so the riders decided that they had ‘stunyad'(pros) to pass through the mud and Pauline’s rider (my bff) passed through the mud with flying colors and well I also thought I would pass too.

As fate would have it, the mud was too much for my bike rider to handle so when I saw we were about to fall I jumped and landed on my feet forgetting about the mud, the bike guy fell and Pauline looked behind and started laughing which also made me laugh. 

As I was laughing I looked down and saw how my legs were soaked in mud and I was pissed. The rider stood up and I started walking away from him and he decides to ask me for money, I just looked at him and told him NO bc you just made me fall in mud! 

 The guy saw the only way to get me to pay is to get physical with me but boy he found himself on the ground and probably rethinking his life decisions. Am not a physical person (just saying to my future suitors and probably husband).

As I walked away Pauline was just laughing her ass off bt I would just look at her and be like every dog has its day bt her laugh could awaken the dead 😡 😡. Sometimes I ask myself why am I friends with this girl?? 😂 😂. 

As we were walking to the stage we found a cleaner who cleaned my shoes and trousers. Afterwards I was looking like a milli bt with wet shoes. As the cleaner finished cleaning my shoes, I noticed that my right thigh was feeling some fresh air conditioning. Only to realize my high waist jeans were ripped bt from behind, I just looked and didn’t let it get to me bt the way people were looking at me and giving me that look. 

I just didn’t care anymore bc what would I have done??